Asian
philosophies are trendy right now, but that’s not why I’m starting with
Daoism. I’m starting with Daoism because
it’s flexible—you can live like a Daoist no matter what religion you follow,
what kind of relationships you like, where you live, or what you do for a
living. It’s deeper than all of
that. Also, it comes with a lot of
positive energy and a huge emphasis on being true to yourself. So, lots to work with here.
Central Ideas in Daoism
For research, I read two entries in the Stanford
Encyclopedia of Philosophy, cited below.
Dense stuff—but I was able to pick out the following important terms:
The dao ("DOW") is the way, a kind of underlying natural order and harmony. The dao is not something you can talk about. It's something that you observe, and something that you do. It is, simply, the way.
P'u (like "POOH" with a softer
"p") is the concept of things in their natural state.
P'u is essentially the way things were before people
established social institutions and restrictions and arbitrary rules. A
person who embodies p'u lives simply, without frills or
showiness, and is always true to who she really is. (Daoism in this way
is pretty individualistic.)
Wu-wei ("WOO WAY") means non-action.
Remember when Yoda said, "Do or do not, there is no try."
He was talking about wuwei. Wu-wei isn't
passivity or laziness. It’s getting so caught up in doing that you do without trying. It's very Nike: just do it.
Quan (not sure of pronunciation) means wholeness.
It's a concept in the writings of Neo-Daoist He Yan. This author
says that the dao is able to bring everything into being by
virtue of being whole and complete.
So, that was informative.
What does this have to do with polyamory? Here are four lessons.
1. Be whole, then have a relationship.
In Daoism, it’s
important to be yourself. By this I mean
it’s important to do what you’re good at, not what you think you should be good
at. You must follow the path of least
resistance by living a life that is in harmony with the kind of person you
are. Being yourself, being in harmony
with your own nature, allows you to be whole—quan.
This matters in
relationships because it’s difficult to have intimate relationships with others
when you don’t have an intimate relationship with yourself. A Daoist would make sure that she’s living authentically,
naturally, and wholly before she gets involved with someone else.
2. Stop trying to make relationships happen.
From a Daoist perspective,
the best actions are those that come most naturally and effortlessly. That said, don’t try to pull a horse that don’t
wanna go. Or try to make it drink. Not only will you piss it off, but you will
get kicked in the head.
Following the Daoist principle of naturalness, good relationships will happen spontaneously. I don’t mean that relationships will continue to exist if you don’t pay attention to them or invest your time.
But I do mean that, just because you’re putting time, love, attention, and effort into a relationship doesn’t mean it’s necessarily going to work. Sometimes you just have to let go and let the relationship grow (or maintain, or diminish) at its own pace.
We know this from experience, don’t we? The hardest time to find love is when you’re looking for it, right? It’s the same with the dao. If you try to find it, you’ve lost it. If you try to name it, you’ve confused it. The Daoist finds love simply by loving.
3. Be a sage: take a step back from your emotions.
If you've been in a
polyamorous relationship before, you have probably felt jealousy when your
partners spent time with their other partners. Maybe you were scared that
your partner would leave you for someone else, or that they would spend so much
time with their other partners that they wouldn't have anything left to give to
you. Whatever the case, jealousy is an emotional reaction that raises
"red alert" when someone encroaches on your relationship territory.
Taking a Daoist approach to
polyamory requires a look at the Daoist sage, a theoretical character in Daoist
writings who embodies the dao in the best possible way.
Daoist writers did not agree all the time on what the sage was like.
For example, sometimes the sage was emotionless, and sometimes the sage
was compassionate and empathetic. In the case of everyday human relationships,
we can learn a lot more from the emotional picture of the sage.
According to Wang Bi, the
sage wasn't some all-wise robot; he had the full range of
emotions understood that all emotions are rooted in self-interest.
If the sage considered jealousy an emotion, he would have said the same
of it as well. By understanding the root cause of emotions, the sage was
able to experience all emotions but not be enslaved by them. He gained
freedom from their control and was able to empathize with the feelings of
others with unclouded judgment. This is crucial for polyamorous
relationships because sometimes self-interest needs to take a step back and let
the needs of the relationship take center stage. Also, empathy makes it
so much easier to feel happy for your partner when she's loving someone else.
4. Let your lovers be.
This is the last and
possibly the most important lesson.
There’s a painting called “the Three Vinegar Tasters” that illustrates this
aspect of Daoism. In this painting there
are three men sampling a vat of vinegar.
The first has a sour expression, the second a bitter expression, and the
third a smile. These faces represent
Confucianism, Buddhism, and Daoism, respectively.
The meaning of the painting
is this. While the Confucian and
Buddhist live as if life is inherently negative and lacking, the Daoist thinks
this is a misunderstanding. For the
Daoist, life only appears sour and bitter to an unappreciative mind that doesn’t
understand the natural order. As
Benjamin Hoff puts it in The Tao of Pooh,
“Life itself, when understood and utilized for what it is, is sweet.”
What does this have to do
with polyamory, though?
The point of this is that,
in any relationship—poly or not—it’s important to meet your lovers where they’re
at. Know your lovers, know their unique
natural strengths, and don’t expect them to be anything other than who they are. If you expect something other than that, you’ll
be disappointed and they’ll feel bad. It’s
like expecting a fish to climb a tree—lots of frustration, no progress. (Trust
me, I’ve seen it.)
Summary
The Daoist approach to
relationships (as I’ve described it) emphasizes
1. Inner harmony
2. Doing what comes naturally
3. Understanding your own emotions
4. Having realistic expectations
In relating an ancient tradition
like Daoism to a modern idea like polyamory, which has only existed for the
past 50 years (at most), I admit I might have stretched a few ideas. But it’s in keeping with the dao to accept the inconstancy of the
world—including ideas about the world. Both
love and the dao are ever changing.
Sources
- Chan, Alan, "Neo-Daoism", The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Fall 2014 Edition), Edward N. Zalta (ed.), URL = <http://plato.stanford.edu/archives/fall2014/entries/neo-daoism/>.
- Hansen, Chad, "Daoism", The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Fall 2014 Edition), Edward N. Zalta (ed.), URL = <http://plato.stanford.edu/archives/fall2014/entries/daoism/>.
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